Hello Angel Voices,
The Art of Joining In As A “Normal” Person
This week I am going to talk about the fear of joining in, what is also known as performance anxiety. Performance anxiety is a vast field of complex emotions from various experiences that live within us even years after they have happened. In a nutshell performance anxiety stops us from feeling like we have anything to contribute, which is the furthest thing from the truth. I know my past traumas have contributed to my performance anxiety, the most profound one’s being judgement from others and the idea of rejection. Quite clearly I can say, I had the family support and in my later years good friends, which I feel have helped me to overcome my younger experiences of rejections and unworthiness. But in truth the work I had to do for myself has me on a self discovery journey that I have now been on since 2007.
My life as an anxious and rejected teenager…
I've really had to think about this. Over the years I have come to accept my natural extrovert self… a soul who, no matter how many times, was actively made to feel embarrassed about speaking out with ‘wonderful’ comments such as... “Be quiet, Catherine. Do you have an off button? When do you ever shut up?” These were phrases I heard many times as a child, and I really wanted to conform. I believe I wanted to be the quiet shy child, only because I wanted to please people, as children I think we do, it is an innate part of being a child, wanting praise for doing as we are told, but then as a teenager well all I can say is it was inevitable that my natural abilities always lay with talking and singing about everything. You know writing this out just makes me laugh about it, so many people have struggled with my persona and I am ok with it now, but it did take some getting used to, especially for me. My parents have always taught me to be happy with me, and it is that principle that I coach singing, because I know that singing is all about discovering yourself, your voice and loving it.
I know singing is what calmed the chatter down immensely and helped me make my conversations more exact and precise probably about 80% of the time instead of 20% and definitely is one of the reasons why it is my passion. The biggest part of overcoming my performance anxiety was accepting who I was and to not judge anyone from when I was younger for saying things that in the long run held me back from liking myself.
I don’t know if any of you can relate, but as I became an older teenager it became obvious to me that I did not fit into the “norm” but as my dad said, “What is the ‘norm’ anyway?”. It seemed the harder I tried, the worse it got, almost like I was giving people permission to be negative about my outgoing nature. For quite sometime my loudness became my front and it carried me over the pain of what I felt was people not liking who I was and what I was doing. Every song I ever did on stage from the age of 24 to 36, I am not ashamed to say, I was highly anxious, but I did it anyway, the thought of doing something I did not love was far more terrifying, (a double edged sword).
Looking back at my high school education in regards to music, I know why I persevered, I can honestly say the structure of the music department in regards to rehearsals and performances gave a great impact to my later years, without that structure I would have been swallowed up in my emotions for most of my life with no idea how to direct it all. Performing although worrying was my salvation, I never had time to think about the fear of joining in because that decision, thankfully, was made for me and I am massively grateful, because it became a good habit.
I believe learning to sing, read music, be a part of a vocal group, or orchestra is a byway to learning how to navigate the world we live in, no matter what age we are.
My Choices as a teenager define me?…
Thank goodness I now know this phrase is not true… I always use the adage “I am my own definition of happiness” and that fits all categories I feel… but I think fear of performance starts at a young age… that first time someone tells you to Shut up” cause they believe you can’t sing, means that you have to find your own structure to help yourself overcome what that opinion means to you.
Knowing that I am living the life I wanted to, but thought I couldn't, means that my teenage years do not define my whole life, it is a part of my life that I am truly grateful I survived, that is the truth.
Lets be our own best friend…
I believe the fear of doing something as simple as Sing and Perform stems from the fear of rejection, not just from others, but from our alter ego, the one that chats to us in our quiet time. The part of us that analyses what we did, how we sang, who was listening, and then we ask… what did they think? It's just a thought, right? But without loving guidance, that thought can lead to much bigger places of internal rejection, criticism and blame. And let's be honest, we definitely deserve better than that type of analysis.
So learning to be kind to ourselves is essential in becoming a confident singer and someone who wants to sing free from the shackles of imprisoning thoughts like these.
The time for change is now, we are all part of the norm…
Yes we are! Everyone of us is “Normal” in our own way, and the way to define who we really are, we should listen to our voices and love them, because once we do, then the world opens up its arms and says “Welcome!”… It really does.
Over the last 20 years not just as a vocal coach, but as a performer as well, I have witnessed the strength that people find deep within themselves once they have found their voice to do the one thing they always wanted to do, even if it is 20, 30, or 40 years after leaving highschool. I know without a doubt that the power of singing alone or together and in front of people is more important than we could even imagine right now. It is a life changer, a beautiful vibration that lifts us. When we use it to discover ourselves, that fear, the one we deny, the one we know is there, but say it isn't. That fear melts into a pool where the sun shines and a rainbow is born, when we love our voice and let it sing out, no matter what people think.
You need to feel the vibration of sound. Go and join that choir, that vocal workshop. Sing at that open mic, or karaoke or church event. Be a part of your community, both as a performer and a spectator. You will never look back. (free your voice)
Many blessings to you all.
Cathy Beech.